Lisboa diaries: a poem; a to-do list; and a meditation
interspersed with some sketches, my favourite photo taken, & messages from the divine
Preface.
In the original draft for this, I prefaced it with something like “I wish I had more to offer; like an extensive essay collection of my experiences in Portugal the past 6 weeks”, but I later discarded that. I often feel the need to apologise on behalf of myself; in any and every way. I feel that I am often an inconvenience, awkwardly positioned, or inadequate somehow. Even writing this now I feel that I have done myself and my readers (shout out all 17 of you) a disservice for not creating something more beautiful and profound. I debated posting this for a while because I was so burdened with the weight of needing to do it justice. But this is all I have to offer, and that is enough.
Untitled poem to a lover
June 2023
You know when you can smell the rain coming
Through the window
The cool summer evening air swallowed in the warmth of your room
With the taste of hash and cigarettes on your lips
Now the chatter from the street becomes melody
You say “I want this feeling to last forever”
And like a fool, I say “I do too”
To-do list:
Lifted from my notes after a few stern conversations with myself
Stop drinking coffee
I’ve spent a lot of time deliberating on this one. But it’s time. I won’t be going cold turkey but give me 6 months and I’ll be clean. I know it sounds silly because coffee is just coffee right? But for an anxiety-riddled baby girl such as yourself, it’s really counterproductive to be drinking 3 coffees a day, 2 on an empty stomach, whilst on beta blockers, just to be a functioning human. It’s time to start taking the meds seriously, to start sleeping better so you aren’t dependent on the caffeine to jump-start your day, and get your heart palpitations to a manageable standard. It’s going to be hard but you can do it.
Once we’ve done that, alcohol is next.
Stop biting the insides of your cheeks
You look stupid when you do it and you’re probably doing this because you like the taste of your own blood because you’re iron deficient AGAIN!
On that note, take your iron pills and vitamin C. Also, further motivation to stop drinking coffee: caffeine inhibits the absorption of iron. That’s why you’re so exhausted!!!
Stop picking hangnails until your fingers bleed
Is it self-harm or what? Probably the anxiety. Let’s get your nails done again because whenever you have a fresh set you leave your fingers be and your hands are actually really pretty.
For the love of god leave your acne alone
You have the potential for really good glowy skin and I promise that if you stop picking your face every time you feel like you are losing control you would actually be happier. Most of your stress and fear around being perceived comes from your flaws and while you should learn to accept yourself as you are, acne included, picking at them is only perpetuating a cycle of future self-hate and insecurity
Get off your phone before bed
Every time you do this your sleep quality is 10x better and you know it
Message your therapist
Actually, I’m not sure about this one but I think I’ll leave it here for now to simmer and come back to it later
Book a return flight from Portugal
You have to leave at some point
Call mummy and daddy
They miss you
Untitled photo
I am really proud of this one :)
Tuesday 20th June 2023
Parque Eduardo VII
Meditation under a willow tree
(listen with me)
You’re lying on the grass as the sun starts to set. It’s that hour when the rays of light still tickle your skin with warmth but the breeze starts to cool the swell of afternoon heat. You’re still in the city centre so you can hear the bustle from the street, an ambulance, horns beeping, motorists revving away from traffic lights. It’s mildly overwhelming so you seek refuge in a patch of half-dried grass you have nestled into under a willow tree; swaying in the wind. You put your headphones on and press play. Close your eyes and see the orange tones flicker as the green leaves above you dance to the gentle rhythm of the blue music. You search for peace. Slipping off your shoes you feel the grass on the soles of your feet. An ant finds you but you decide not to bother it as it’s not really bothering you. The sounds of trumpets carry you away from the intensity of the city and you’re now floating with the breeze, chasing the sunset. The wind whispers to you that she will keep you safe and that you’re not alone. You shed a tear because you needed to hear that; you forget sometimes.
Wait… Bonus content…
Please take a moment to digest this beautiful paragraph from James Baldwin’s Another Country. Tears.
p.172
Strangers' faces hold no secrets because the imagination does not invest them with any. But the face of a lover is an unknown precisely because it is invested with so much of oneself. It is a mystery, containing, like all mysteries, the possibility of torment.
That’s all for now… See you soon x
like a fool, I say “I do too” - beautiful 🥹🥹